What is a "missionary" anyway???
Every once a while, I will be with a group of people or another person from the states, and they want to introduce me to some of their fellow friends. They always introduce me by saying, “This is Sara. She and her husband are missionaries here in Guatemala.” I don’t know why I always want to giggle inside when I hear the world missionary. Maybe because I always had this idea of what I thought a “missionary” was and really I am so far from that ideal! I still feel like the same Sara I always was before I moved to another country and started serving in ministry full time. I still struggle with sin. I still battle with selfishness. I still have trouble keeping my eyes fixed on the eternal instead of what is here on earth.
In fact, if I am totally honest, I think I struggle more now as a “missionary” than I ever did before I moved here to Guatemala. It isn’t to say that I was perfect before…far from it, but life was pretty easy honestly, and I had loads of time to read my bible, attend prayer meetings and bible studies, listen to preachers in my own language my church and others online, sing along to my favorite worship songs, buy the latest John Piper book at Mardels, pass hours at a coffee shop with friends discussing God and His word, etc. I was surrounded by people that loved Jesus and that loved me. I was living a passionate life for Christ…I believe that whole-heartedly. But, it was a pretty easy life…sure there were bumps along the road and I stumbled quite frequently, but I was able to recover pretty quickly. I already shared my testimony in my very first blog post, so I won’t go into the great details of how I became a missionary all over again. You can go HERE and read for yourself. However, I will say that when I did become a full-fledged, full-time missionary, I did feel like I had counted the cost. I knew I was leaving behind all the aforementioned things (plus the hardest of all…my dear family and friends), and I was barreling ahead on a new adventure…excited and nervous all at the same time. But, I felt mostly blessed to have been chosen by God to be entrusted with the precious children of Guatemala.
Now that I am here in the trenches though, I so struggle with being like Lot’s wife and looking back. Thankfully, I haven’t been turned into a pillar of salt yet, but I do think it does cause me to stand still…to become a frozen statue in my place. I look back longing for all that I left behind but yet knowing that I am where I need to be…I want to move forward with this life and embrace all God has in front of me but yet I want what I left too. What a place that is! And, the saddest part of it all is that God can’t use me in that place. I am immobile…my boots are stuck in the mud so to speak. God convicted me of this last night as my sweet hubby asked what I wanted to do for my birthday this weekend. I will spare you all the details but in the end I once again was face to face with this great struggle…this battle of the mind…battle of the flesh…one could say battle of the superficial. My problem last night was the same that it usually is…I long for things of this earth. I get frustrated with having to live with such a tight budget. I stress about not having the freedom I once had to just hop in my car and run to the store or have coffee with a friend. I tense up every time I have to take a cold shower (or I even cry like I did last week when the handles of the shower actually came off and my bathroom flooded). I still scream when bats are flying through my house or I found more bug bites on my kiddos or me from who knows where. I clench my teeth every time I have to keep moving the screen on my laptop because really it just doesn’t work anymore and the screen goes fuzzy every few minutes. I could go on and on but you get the idea. As I drifted off to sleep though last night, I was meditating on one of my favorite passages in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” Of course, I really cannot complain about anything. As my sweet hubby told me last night, “I will be happy eating beans and tortillas for the rest of my life as long as it means I get to spend my life with you and my two beautiful children.” Our life is good. It is beautiful, and I am so blessed. I am not wasting away, and I am really not even undergoing a serious affliction. But, man how I struggle with letting the superficial take over…with looking back with longing on all that I left behind or even all that I am continually having to give up.
I love though when God speaks truth to my heart and He uses several different avenues to tell me the same thing. After all of that thinking and talking with my hubby last night, God gave me another soft reminder this morning just in case I didn’t hear Him clearly the first time. The whisper came through my Beth Moore bible study on Esther. (Side note: how I wish I could be participating in her simulcast today…well I haven’t even read the book yet. I am hoping to get a copy soon, but even so, I so wish I could have heard her today!) Anyways back to the other subject at hand, oh how her words went straight to the depths of my heart. She wrote, “As painful as the process may be, that which shatters our superficiality also shatters the fetters of our fragility and frees us to walk with dignity and might to our destinies. We are not the fragile flowers we’ve considered ourselves to be. We, like Esther, are the warrior princesses of God.” My heart screamed a resounding, “YES!” Although it is because of pure selfishness, the process has been hard…hard letting go of so much I held dear (and didn’t even realize).
Well, this post was a tad long and really it was just a little bit of me rambling or talking aloud to whoever is actually listening. But, I do pray that my words can encourage you as they really aren’t my words but just lessons from my dear Father! I pray that we are not pillars of salt or statues stuck in the mud or even fragile flowers but we are instead strong, mighty, warrior princesses of God! Amen!!
