It's been a while...
So my little blogger world...sorry for the long absence
An absence of like a year or something like that
But when you don't have internet in your house it makes things like blogging rather difficult
But if truth be told, that isn't really my only reason for not blogging
When life changes in big ways, it is hard to know how to roll with it sometimes
And not long after my last blog post, life changed in a really BIG way for us
A hard way
A way that really rocked things for us
A way that changed things dramatically for my family
That changed caused a big wave of other changes
So I kind of just forgot about blogging
Those of you that know me personallly, know what those changes were/are. I thank you for your prayers and support as Hubby and I tried to figure out our way and figure out what it was that God was wanting for us. For the rest of you, I wish I could give you a glimpse into what I am talking about, but because this blog is still on the big world wide web and because I still have to protect our family during this time, it is best for those details to be left for after...
"After what" you may ask
After it is all said and done. The big change may have happened last year, but we are still living it now.
But the thing about change is you can't just stop living your life because big changes happen. We still have a ministry and a beautiful family and a beautiful life here on this mountainside in Guatemala, so life must go on
Hence, my big return to the blog. Many have asked for updates, and since I am really bad about individually emailing those updates, I thought that this blog needed to be resurrected once again. I have lots I would like to say...lots of thoughts rolling around in my head, but until I make sense of much of it, I will stick to the most recent stuff.
I just finished a really amazing book...like I read in a day and a half. I think I should make it mandatory reading if you are my friend or something like that. But, in all seriousness, you should read it. It is called 7 by Jen Hatmaker. One of my dear friends recommended it to me, and I ate it up with a fork and spoon. You can find out more about her and her book at her blog Here.
I am not going to give you a huge overview of what it is about or anything like that...you just need to read it for yourself and find out. (I seriously highlighted like half the book, so I am not just saying it is worth your time...it really is). But, basically it is amount minimizing our life and lifestyles...focusing on the important and not holding on so tight to the not so important. It is about realizing how we can become paralyzed from living a radical life for Jesus when we are trying so hard to bring everything with us. I was told that this book wasn't really for me as it is really geared more to those living, working, and church-going in Ameria. He wasn't trying to steer me away from it or anything. I am pretty sure he is a personal friend of hers (the author). I think he just meant that being a missionary in Guatemala kind of left me out of the club the book was written for. The funny thing is, though, the entire time I was reading it, I felt like she was writing just for me (I know....I can be so self-centered sometimes). She was talking my language and I could see so many of my own struggles.
Because you want to know something interesting? I may be a missionary in a third-world country. I may be serving the orphans of this country and fighting to help give them a better future. I may have left all that I once held dear behind in the states. I may have way less money than I could have if my husband and I got "real" jobs. I may have done all of those things. But, the truth of the matter is, so many times my biggest battle is the urge to make my life look just like the one I left behind. I want to have my cake and eat it too so to speak. I want to lay my life down before the cross and tell the Lord "not my will be done but Yours;" yet, I spend countless hours and waste countless tears trying to make this life look the way I want it to...a way that is easier and involves less sacrifice. I find myself sometimes having a little "discussion" with the Lord that goes something like this...
"Okay Lord. I obeyed. I left everything behind. I am missing out on all this precious time with my family and friends. My kids are having to grow up with less (I use that word less very loosely...my kids have it just fine). I missed out on my chance to fulfill all my childhood dreams. We aren't getting to go on huge family vacations. My precious husband continues to turn down great jobs so he can continue to serve you. Lord, look at all my sacrifice. Can't you just let me have [insert item here] or Can't you just make this [insert situation here] easier?"
Oh look at me. I am so far from getting what the Lord is asking of me!
Hosea 6:6 says, "For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."
In Psalm 51:16-17 David says to the Lord, "For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
I sit around feeling sorry for myself because I can't just go and buy an Ipad like I desperately want instead of realizing that my so called sacrifice of living and serving in another country is not really a sacrifice at all if I am not surrendering my whole heart to the Lord. It isn't about what I deserve...what I miss out on...what I can't have... It is about me saying everyday not just with my mouth but with my life, "Lord you are everything to me. You are everything that matters and the reason I exist. I love you more than my stuff. I love you more than my dreams. I even love you more than my family and my own life."
This book couldn't have come at a better time for me. I, for one of the first times in my whole life, was called very selfish this week. It hurt. Actually, it didn't just hurt, it caused such a deep, slicing pain that I literally couldn't stop sobbing for an hour. I think I cried first because it just hurt my feelings like when you are on the playground and a little boy calls you ugly. But, then the real pain started to show its colors. I ached and wept and struggled because I could see where this person really was speaking the truth in love to me. I was being selfish. And I wasn't just being selfish that one time. I could see patterns of selfishness throughout many areas of my life recently.
And do you want to know what I found? The root of that selfish was coming from a desire to hold on tight to all that I thought should be mine...all that I thought I deserved. I acted selfishly to protect myself...and not protect myself from some bad guy. I was trying myself from "losing out."
That, my friends, is a dangerous place to be. When our stuff (and I don't just mean material stuff...I mean all that we count dear...lifestyles, dreams, vacations, people, etc.) takes such a hold on us that we start acting in selfish ways just to try and not lose it, we are on the verge of allowing that "stuff" to become idols in our lives.
I, for one, don't want that to happen. I will leave you with this little gem from the book. It is found on page 174.
Thank you Jen Hatmaker for your obedience. Your testimony certainly inspired me and showed me that I really don't need that Ipad...its not like I am going to die or anything. In all seriousness, though, your journey showed me where I need to start mine. For starters, my child-like temper tantrums stop today.
