Why I Always Want More
>> June 10, 2016 –
being enough,
expectations,
God
There have been moments in time that I have wished…no I have
yearned for someone to say out loud the words that I desperately thought I
needed to hear. Inwardly I begged,
pleaded with the person to just say them.
I thought that if he/she finally said these words, then they would be
true.
I had one of those moments today. I desperately needed to be
told something. Once again, my insides
secretly pleaded with that person to say the words. Somehow I believed that this person knew how
much I needed to hear them but was just not saying them out of spite or
selfishness. I think deep down I knew that wasn’t
really true, but I struggled anyway.
I tried taking my plea to God. I didn’t have the guts to actually ask God to
make this person say the words, but throughout the day, I sure thought it. Then
suddenly, this evening, I felt as if I was transported back to the bedroom I had grown up
in. I was 15 years old again, and I was
lying on my bed reading my Bible. I was
really reading it for the first time on my own, and I had just stumbled upon
Galatians 1:10. “Am I saying this now to win the approval of people or God? Am
I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not
be Christ’s servant.”
I
remember stopping to read it again and again…almost 10 times I read it that
afternoon. I quickly scribbled it into
my journal and before the day was over, I had it memorized. Even then I knew that my greatest struggle
was my inherent need for man’s approval.
My identity was tied to what I thought others believed me to be.
Now here
I was almost 20 years later, still caught up in the same struggle. Sure I now KNOW that my identity can only be
found in Christ. Sure, I don’t quite
care about EVERYONE’s approval like I once did.
But I still battle. I still want
certain people in my life to believe and think and SAY certain things about me
and to me. Deep down I still wrestle
with the belief that these things are only true about me if someone else says
it and believes it too.
But clearly God’s Word says that I am to seek God’s
approval. I am His servant not
man’s. So why do I long for man’s words
to make me feel like I am enough…like I am beautiful or skinny or wanted or
talented or creative or whatever else I am struggling with on that particular
day?
Recently I spoke with a friend about the significance of our
names. We were discussing about the fact
that in Biblical times and for many generations following, parents chose the
name for their children based on their identity and destiny. Names were completely tied up with
purpose.
I have always had a love/hate relationship with my
particular name. I like my name, but I
hated that I was always one of many Sara’s.
It just reinforced my complex of feeling completely and totally
ordinary. I even joked when we were
talking about names and their meanings about how the name “Sara” signified
“princess.” I sarcastically said, “Oh
yes my destiny is to be a princess!” and then I let out a laugh like it was the
most ridiculous thing I had ever heard.
My friend quietly but poignantly asked, “But what if you did live like you were a princess? What if you lived your life truly as if you
were the daughter of the King? Because
isn’t that what you are?”
Why had I never thought of it before then? I am a princess because I am a daughter of
the One True King.
I can try and will man to say what I need to hear all day
long. I can inwardly plead and beg him to say aloud what I desperately think I
need to hear, so I can feel worthy and wanted and a plethora of other
things. Or I can start believing today
what God says to be true about me. I can
live my life as if I am chosen and called and ordained and loved and beautiful
and holy and wanted.
We can spend our
whole lives waiting for people to treat us like we think we should be treated
or tell us what we think we deserve to hear or love us the way our hearts long
to be loved…
Or we can chose
today…right in this moment to start living and walking and BELIEVING that God
has given us grace when we deserved condemnation. We have a God that lavishly loves us and
chooses us.
When I wait for man to do what only God can do, I am saying
really that I do care more about man than I care about God. I am saying that I
value man’s thoughts and opinions of me more than I value God’s. I am saying that my identity rests in man
rather than in God, and I will always come up disappointed. I will never
measure up to man’s yardstick because I was never meant to.
If our lives are to make any kind of lasting imprint and
impact on this ever-darkening world, then we are going to have to buck up a
little. We are going to have to get
tougher skins. This doesn’t mean that we
have cold and hardened hearts. It means
that we stop allowing the enemy to use even the ones closest to us as daggers
to our hearts. We set ourselves up for
defeat when we constantly ask our loved ones and friends and bosses and
neighbors and even our children to be what only God can be for us.
You don’t need man’s
approval if you already have God’s. Your
worth is not found in man’s opinion of you.
You are loved. You are chosen. You are beautiful. You are known. You are wanted. You are lovely. You are called.
You are all of these
things single, married, skinny, fat, employed, unemployed, successful,
unsuccessful, young, old. You are these
things because God says you are. Those
of us that have surrendered our lives to Christ have everything we need in Him
already. Let’s stop asking man to give
us more.