I want to LIVE

Have you ever had one of those moments when you could almost feel the Lord whispering over your shoulder?  

I can say with definite certainty that I have never actually heard the Lord speak audibly to me.  It would be really cool if I could say that I have, but that would be a lie…so I am not going to say that!  But, I have had several moments over the span of my short 30 years that I was 100% certain that the Lord was speaking something just for me.  Most of those moments happened in the quiet of my bedroom while reading and praying over Scripture.  

Today was different though…

Today I was in church, singing to the Lord, clapping my hands, and just dancing around in His presence, when I felt Him speak to my heart so clearly that it took all my strength not to fall down into a ball and weep.  I did do the weeping part, but this 23 ½ week preggo lady has a hard time getting up off the floor so I stood and wept.  I sang and wept and wept and wept and prayed and wept some more.  My son kept grabbing my hand just to make sure I was okay. 

I wasn’t okay though.  The Lord was breaking through and speaking to the very depths of my soul.  All I could do was weep because it was like a wall had literally been broken down in my heart.  I didn’t have words.  

The thing is for weeks now the Lord has been speaking little whispers of truth to me…through the Bible, through different studies, through books, through people.  And I heard the whispers.  I heard them and gave them their proper “mmm…good stuff.”  But it’s like I didn’t really want it to sink in.  I didn’t want those truths to take root because then I might have to do something about it.  Just so you can kind of get an idea where I am coming from read these little gems…

“David wanted God’s presence more than he wanted his next breath.  He was jealous for the glory and worship of God and for sacred things to find their sacred places.” –from Beth Moore’s bible study “Stepping Up.”

“Marriage is a good gift of God, but the world is fallen, and sin abounds, and obedience is costly, and suffering is to be expected…High romance and passionate sexual intimacy and precious children may come.  But, hold them loosely—as though you were not holding them.” –from This Momentary Marriage by John Piper

“It is easy to find out whether our lives are focused, and if so, where the focus lies. Where do our thoughts settle when consciousness comes back in the morning?  Where do they swing back when the pressure is off during the day?...Dare to have it out with God…and ask Him to show you whether or not all is focused on Christ and His glory…” –words of Lilias Trotter, missionary to Alegeria (excerpt taken from the book Faithful Women and Their Extraordinary God by Noel Piper)

“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but no driven to despair, persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.  So death is at work in us, but life in you.” -2 Corinthians 4:8-12

“Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of the wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?” –Isaiah 58:6-7

I could keep going, but I think you get the idea.  This is some heavy duty stuff my friends. And really I just kind of took out little tidbits for you to get a taste.  But as I already said before, none of this was really making a deep, lasting imprint.  I read these words, processed them, gave them a proper “oh yeah,” and just moved on my way.   

The thing is I was scared…and maybe still am a little bit.  I was scared because I know what Jesus asks of those who love Him.  I have been following the Lord faithfully for 15 years.  I have read His words, and I know what He asks of those wanting to be true disciples of His.  On the surface, I wanted to be one of those disciples, but deep down, I was willing to just say right where I was it.  It was much more comfortable.  Because the thing is when I was 18, 19, and even into my early twenties, I was sold out because I didn’t have much to lose.  Sure I could have lost my life I guess or some material possessions, but I just didn’t have that much to lose…at least in my own eyes.  (It’s also that beautiful invincible stage of life…nothing bad is going to happen to me anyway!)  

But now I am 30…I am 30 and I have an amazing husband and two amazing children, with another on the way.  I have an awesome family and friends.  I have a house. I have good health. I have lots of nice things. I also have bills to pay and responsibilities to my family and many others.  I have an incredible ministry.  Bottom line: I have a lot to lose this time.  

So being sold out to Jesus scares me.  I could feel Him calling me…beckoning me. But, I didn’t want to hear. I didn’t want to hear because I am scared. I was scared He is going to ask too much.  I was scared that He was going to require more. I was scared that He was going to take something that I don’t think I can live without. I was scared I might have to suffer.  I was scared I might have to sacrifice more.

These are real fears.  Maybe even fears you have struggled with too.  Because let’s be realistic for a moment. It is much easier to live in between.  It is easier to just love Jesus but not be too radical.  It is easier to just kind of fit in with what the rest of the world is doing and be cool, modern Christians.  It is easier to just fit Jesus into our lives right where we are at. 

That’s what I was doing.  I may be a missionary in another country, but man I could have given you classes on being a super Christian on the outside but not letting Jesus penetrate to the depths of my heart and soul on the inside.  I could participate in any great conversation on the Bible. I could talk about and teach about God wanting to change us and renew us and refine us. I could go on and on about what He is asking of us today.  I could pray with the best of them and weep and just be so “deep.” I had it going on guys.  Now, I am not saying I was a big, fat fake.  I did love Jesus. I loved His Word, and it was my heart’s desire to make Him known and for my kids and all the kids to whom I minister to love Him with all their hearts.  When I prayed for them, I was doing it with an honest heart.  But, I wasn’t letting God’s truth transform my own life.  I wanted to keep a “safe” distant in case He wanted to ask something more of me. I guess I figured if I wasn’t really living radically, then there wouldn’t be much of a need to use me in radical situations.  

Today it all changed guys.  Today God ripped open my heart and all those small whispers became alive to me and I could hear the Lord so clearly saying, “Sara…come…come to me Sara.  I am asking you come…come and die.”  I knew He wasn’t asking me to commit suicide or anything.  He was asking me to come and die to me.  Die to my fears.  Die to all that I hold dear…not because it doesn’t matter anymore but because HE MATTERS MORE.  What is this life anyway?  A breath…a breath compared to eternity.  Am I really going to live that breath riding the fence, walking the line, living in fear of the “what ifs”?  Or do I want to LIVE this life…really LIVE it…100%, sold out, radically obedient to my God?  I want to live. Because as Paul says, “For me to live is Christ…”