A Case of Blues

So, I have been feeling a little BLUE lately...Eeyore would be a good name for me.

Do you know Eeyore?

Winnie the Pooh's official website describes little Eeyore like this:
"Eeyore is everyone's favorite delightfully dismal donkey. But Eeyore doesn't see himself as gloomy -- he just has low expectations. He expects nothing from anybody, so whenever his friends do come to his aid his expectations of the worst are overthrown, and he is sincerely grateful. Eeyore's tiny bright pink bow on his tail, the one hint of color against his gray, is a perfect symbol of the kernel of joy that occasionally surfaces in Eeyore. Though he may pretend he's helping because there's nothing better to do -- make no mistake, Eeyore is always there for his friends."

I have a bit of a melancholic personality as it is, which is not one of my best attributes. I had someone very near to me recently (lovingly) tell me that I am also a bit pessimistic. I suppose that is true...mostly because I don't like disappointment very much. I hate that feeling when you get super excited about something and then it doesn't work out. It kind of stinks. So somewhere or at some point, I just decided it was easier to think that things are going to happen instead of hoping that they would and then being disappointed when they don't.

Not very biblical I know.
Also can make me a bit of a downer.
Sounds a little bit like Eeyore huh?

Well, as I alluded to in my last blog post, this has been kind of tough season for my family and for me lately. My kids have been so sick. As a parent that is a hard thing to watch. It is such a helpless and overwhelming feeling not knowing how to fix the "ouchies." It is also very tiring. We went to the doctor today with Miss B., and she has an ear infection in both ears, strep throat, lots of congestion, and is cutting two teeth. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry with sadness at all my baby was enduring. I also wanted to cry because I just felt so dang tired I didn't feel like I could do much else.

I am just flat exhausted all the time, and instead of using this complete state of weariness as a chance to draw nearer to my Lord and as an opportunity for His strength to be made perfect in my weakness, I am allowing it to steal my joy and make me weepy...not sure if that is even a word but I am using it anyway.

Lots of the ugliness in my character is finding its way to the outside world as well...jealousy, insecurity, selfishness, impatience, vanity. Not good stuff, I know. Sunday before church I totally broke down over something so silly...my body. I felt discouraged that so many of my clothes still didn't fit 10 months post-baby. I felt fat and ugly and just yucky. I tried on like 6 different outfits and none of them looked right (or fit). I felt frustrated that because with all of the hard stuff going on with my kids that I hadn't had time to work out and cook, so I couldn't keep losing weight. Thankfully church was amazing and God reminded me once again that really this just isn't about me. I am so glad God takes the time to give us those friendly reminders.

But, today I felt it come back in full swing. Hubby and I were talking about our finances and just what we had money for and didn't right now. I got frustrated all over again when after talking through all of the things that we needed to purchase or save for that it didn't leave a lot extra for other stuff...aka new clothes. As superficial as it may sound, I just really have wanted to be able to get a couple of new things. I am a girl...what can I say. I like looking pretty...especially for my hubby. And, since I have a very limited amount of clothing that actually fits this post-baby body even after the weight loss, I sort of convinced my self that this could be considered a NEED rather than a WANT. Not gonna lie...I totally cried people. I am not sure why I cried, but I did.

Then, when I got home and I was checking my Facebook, I found some pictures of one of my beautiful friends post three babies (one of them she just had pretty recently). She was absolutely radiant. At first, I just admired the pictures and thought her and her kids are just gorgeous and that I was so happy that she looked so happy, but then that ugly green monster called jealousy took over and I started thinking, "I wish I was pretty like her. Her skin is flawless. Her haircut is so cute. Those clothes are awesome. I wonder if they are reasonably priced. How did she get that body after all those kids and so quick after her last one? Why don't I look like that? Why is my body still so flabby and my clothes look so worn out and discolored...some with holes in them? Why? Why? Why?"

I am on the verge of tears again right now. But, not for the same reason as earlier. I am broken by my sin...my yucky, disgusting sin and how I am letting Satan get this small win instead of stamping him out like I should be doing, claiming victory. God's Word is clear though, "Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

Ouch. I guess the question really is in Who's sight do I really want to be found precious...in man's? my own? or in God's?

I chose God's.