Saying Yes to ANYTHING

“We say Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord,

Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord,

Yes, Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes Lord, Amen.”

I was 17.  I was 17 and totally and completely in love with my Lord Jesus Christ.  It had only been 2 short years earlier that had I really began to understand what a love relationship with the Lord even meant.  But in that moment I was jumping up and down, waving my hands, and singing with all my might…”YES LORD! YES LORD! YES, YES LORD!”

It was a weekend long youth retreat at my church, and we had just gotten settled back into our host homes when my college leader decided to just ask me straight out, “Sara, when you were singing that song tonight and practically yelling ‘Yes Lord,’ what exactly where you saying to God?”

Although I felt a little put on the spot, I looked her in straight in the eye and said, “I was telling the Lord yes…yes to whatever He wants from me.  I want to say yes to ANYTHING He is asking, even if I don’t yet know what it is.”

Brings tears to my eyes.  I am certain my 17-year-old self often had far more faith than this seasoned 33-year-old version does. 

I know God heard those words of mine too.  In little ways, all throughout my last 3 years in high school, He was asking me to say yes…yes to giving up competitive softball, even though it was one of the things I loved the most, yes to weekends at home instead of at parties with my friends from school, yes to going to the college my parents wanted me to go to instead of the one I wanted to go to, yes to speaking in public for the first time about Him.  Throughout those early years of my love relationship with Jesus, He was continually asking me to say “Yes” even when it wasn’t comfortable. 

But my first real “Yes” didn’t come until one fall day my freshman year of college.  I go into more length here for those of you interested in knowing the whole story, but that was the day I knew without a shadow of a doubt God was calling me to be a missionary.  He was telling me that all those small “Yeses” were leading up to this big one.  And even though really and truly I did quite a bit of kicking and screaming those next few years, I deep down did feel a great peace saying “yes” to God on this one. I knew that if God was asking me to leave it all behind and serve the “least of these” then He wasn’t going to let me go alone.  He was going before me.  So even that “yes” of saying goodbye to my family, to my home, to my culture, to my church, to my people…even that yes I was able to do it confidently just as I had done with all those small yeses years earlier. 

17-year-old Sara said, ”Yes Lord!  Yes Lord I will do anything for you! I will go anywhere for you!  Whatever you ask, I want to be faithful!” 

Then 19-year-old Sara said once again “Yes Lord! I will go to Guatemala. I will serve the least of these!”

But 33 year old Sara often says, “Lord, I want to say yes. I want to say yes to what you are asking of me, but I am scared.  What is it going to cost?  Will my children suffer?  Will my marriage suffer?  Will I will be able to withstand the test?”

In February of this year, I spent more time weeping and praying than I think I ever have in my life.  Some of you might remember this post that I wrote right during that storm.  (Its brutal, so read it at your own risk.)  For the first time since moving to Guatemala, my heart literally felt like it was breaking into a thousand little pieces. I could no longer stand under the weight of the pain that I was constantly seeing these children and teenagers suffer.  I felt completely unprepared and ill equipped to be the one ministering to them.   Then, on the other side, right inside of my own home, I was seeing the toll my constant busyness and investment in the lives of these kids and teenagers in our ministry was taking on my own three children and most especially on my marriage.

I looked in the mirror and saw a young woman who was failing as a wife, failing as a mother, and failing as a missionary.  

“God I think you got it wrong all those years ago.  I am not the one you were looking for.  You might want to try again,” I cried out to Him.

For the first time since I came to Guatemala 12 years ago, I felt like it might be time to be done.   I gave it my best shot.  I just wasn’t enough.

Enough of what I am not sure, but I knew whatever it was, I didn’t have it.

I tossed and turned at night.  I cried during the day.  I shared with a couple of people a bit of my struggle but not even my husband knew the depths of the turmoil I was in. 

“Why God? Why?  Why this path, why this way?  Why me? I want out.  Please, Lord, just forget about that call. I promise you I am not the one you want.”

But then somewhere during those restless nights and even more restless days, I could hear the Lord whispering to me…

“But you said ‘Yes’ Sara.  All those years ago, before your heart knew the brokenness it knows now and before your eyes had seen the suffering it has seen now, and before your ears had heard the cries it has heard now, you said, ‘Yes.’  You said ‘Yes’ to me.   You said ‘Yes’ because you trusted me.  You knew that it wasn’t about what you could do but what I can do.  You said, ‘Yes’ because deep down you knew that saying ‘Yes’ to me and ‘Yes’ to ANYTHING I ask of you unleashes a power that is not of this world.  It unleashes a power that defeats darkness. I am not asking you to know it all. I am not asking you to be strong enough or wise enough or rich enough or enough of anything.  I am asking you to say ‘Yes’ once again.  I am asking you to trust that ‘he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. ‘ [1 John 4:4]”

I had a choice to make.  Right then and there, I had to decide once again if I was going to say “Yes God…yes ANYTHING” or was I going to say no this time.  No one would blame me. I had tried my best.  I lasted longer than most of the other missionaries that had come.  I could leave with my head held high.

But in the depths of my heart I knew I wanted more.  Even though I was scared and I felt like everything was spinning out of control, I wanted to experience all God had for me…not just this small portion.  I kept thinking about a quote that I had read from Dietrich Bonhoeffer. He said,

           

            “If we want to be Christians, we must have some share in Christ’s large-heartedness by acting with responsibility and in freedom when the hour of danger comes, and by showing a real sympathy that springs not from fear, but from the liberating and redeeming love of Christ for all who suffer.  Mere waiting and looking on is not Christian behavior.  The Christian is called to sympathy and action, not in first place by his own sufferings, but by the sufferings of this brethren, for whose sake Christ suffered.”

I decided that there was only one thing I could really say and that was, “Yes.”

“Yes Lord, Yes, Lord, Yes, Yes Lord.”

Eric Metaxas said of Bonhoeffer in his biography of him, BONHOEFFER PASTOR, MARTYR, PROPHET, SPY that Bonhoeffer’s life was “not a cramped, compromised, circumspect life, but a life lived in a kind of wild, joyful, full-throated freedom –that was what it was to obey God.”

That’s what I wanted.  I wanted and still want a life that is lived in “joyful, full-throated freedom.”  I want to say yes to ANYTHING even when that ANYTHING is scary and uncertain and even when that ANYTHING is marked with struggle and tears. 

But most of all, I want to say, “yes” to anything because I want my life to count.  I want to know that as long as I am still here on earth and still breathing this air that I am doing something for eternity. 

I want my life to be poured out as a drink offering before the Lord. 

Yes Lord, yes, lord, yes, yes lord!

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in sickness and health

Two weeks ago I had the awesome opportunity to participate in the annual conference that Christian Alliance For Orphans (CAFO) gives every year.  It was held this year in Nashville, TN, and through the very generous giving of some dear friends and the very generous offer of my husband to keep all three of my kids for a week on his own, I was able to go this year. 

http://www.christianalliancefororphans.org/cafo2015-recap/

Honestly, until this year, I didn’t really know much about CAFO.  I had heard their name thrown around but as with most things in life, I was pretty much just absorbed in my own ministry, and I didn’t spend too much time paying much attention to what was happening outside of our walls…sad I know, but it’s the truth.  But, earlier this year, a few others and myself were able to meet with the president of CAFO, and I left the meeting super impressed with him and just his heart for orphans and children all around the world. I starting looking more into their ministry and immediately knew I needed to participate in their conference.

I am thankful to say it was even more than I expected. It was amazing, and I was able to meet a lot of other people committed to caring for hurt and neglected children all over the world.   I was so impressed with the stories I heard of regular families that are sacrificing so much to foster, adopt, work in orphanages, serve/rescue those in human trafficking, and so much more.  I left so inspired and just ready to move full force ahead. 

But then I got back to my life and my home and just my “normal,” and I was having trouble figuring out how to transfer all this great stuff to regular life.  With the exception of the workshop I went to on reconciliation, I couldn’t figure out what to really do with all the information.  How does it change the way I parent? How does it change the way I lead? How does it change the way I discipline? How does it change the way I interact? How does it change the way I love?  I just couldn’t wrap my head around it all. 

(Side note the workshop I am referring to on reconciliation was one of the very best I have ever heard on the topic of forgiveness and just in general working through interpersonal conflict.  It was given by Beth Guckenberger from Back2Back ministries http://back2back.org.  Seriously, you should stop what you are doing now, go to the CAFO website, find this workshop and download it.  You won’t be sorry.)

The thing with me is that I hate those “church camp highs” so to speak. I don’t like the emotion of something to overwhelm me to the point that I live on a high of how amazing something is, but nothing practical changes in my life. 

Because the truth is, I really did feel overwhelmed.  One of the statistics mentioned at the conference was that Unicef recently announced that there are over 153 million orphans worldwide.

153 million orphans worldwide.  153 MILLION ORPHANS WORLDWIDE. 

Even I was surprised by that number, and I have been doing this a long time.  There is a good chance that number includes a lot of children who aren't truly orphaned...meaning they still have one or even both parents and/or other family members, but for whatever reason they are living as an orphan (in an orphanage, on the streets, in foster care, etc.)  I am thankful that I serve with a ministry interested and working towards keeping families together.  But, that being said, as far as I am concerned, 1 orphan is still one too many.

So, that just left me feeling like nothing I do could really accomplish that much.  How could it?  On top of that, I came back to the same problems and frustrations that I saw before I left, and I honestly didn’t feel that much more equipped to handle them. 

I felt like, “Great I went to this amazing conference, but I still can’t figure out how to fix this everyday stuff!”

And then while still living in this turmoil, two of my three babies got sick.  The oldest recuperated pretty quickly, but my 2 year old just seemed to get sicker every day.  It was into the wee hours of the morning Tuesday, and I was watching his little body trying to fight of another fever, and I just felt so defeated.  We were on night 3 of the same story.  I had tears silently streaming down my face as I watched him moan and whimper.  I rubbed his back.  I applied cool clothes. I faithfully gave him his medicine.  I prayed…oh how I prayed.

But there we were in my bed and I just couldn’t take it. My heart felt like it was going to rip out of my chest watching him suffer so much.  And that’s when it hit me.

That’s when my eyes kind of opened to the other turmoil of the week prior

Faithfully, every single hour of my week had been devoted to taking care of my babies…making sure they were comfortable and safe and that at least in my own efforts, I was doing all I could for them.  My little 2 year old knew deep in his heart that his mama was there, and she was doing everything she could for him. She was fighting right there with him.

But then I thought about my girls next door.  Granted they are now grown up girls, but I did take care of them while they were younger too. I thought about all the times they woke up the next morning and told me that they had gotten sick in the night and then just silently went back to their bed. I thought about the times that I forgot to give them the Tylenol on time and their fever shot back up and how much longer it finally took to bring it down again because I hadn’t given it to them on time.  I thought about the number of times I laid next to them while they slept, applying cool clothes and rubbing their back. (I am sad to say I couldn’t think of a single time on that last one.)

The story wasn’t pretty.

The ugly truth is I didn’t mother them the way I mother my babies now.  It hurts me to say that but I know deep in my heart it is true. I didn’t do it consciously, and I am certain that I was trying to do my best at the time.  But I didn’t get it right.

So as I rubbed my baby’s back and waited for his fever to break once again, I confessed of that and begged Jesus to help me love better.  Then, I prayed for all the babies that were sick in their beds somewhere in that very moment and didn’t have a mama or daddy’s touch to make it all better.  I silently cried out for them.  Oh Jesus please have mercy on those sweet ones! 

So much trust and confidence happens when a mama or daddy or really anyone cares for you when you are sick.  Think about it.  Caring for the sick isn’t easy. It isn’t pretty.  In fact it is really hard.  But, any one of you can think of the time that your mama or grandmother or daddy or husband or wife, etc. cared for you when you felt the most sick.  You can remember how that felt…how loved and cherished you felt. 

Now think about all those babies and young ones that are silently going to the bathroom to get sick with no one even aware.  I can remember that I was the kid that almost never made it to the bathroom on time when I was going to get sick.  But my sweet mama always jumped right out of bed. She held my hair and rubbed my back while I got sick and then quietly tucked me back into bed while she then went to scrub walls or carpets.  There was never one question in my mind that when I was sick or in need that I wasn’t going to have someone to care for me.  My mama and my daddy showed me that every time….no questions, no excuses.

So I am still working through transferring all the information I learned at the conference to real life, but one thing I know to be sure is that I have got to learn to love better. I have to figure out a way to love those God has given me or placed in my life the way I love those closest to my heart. 

And it starts with little things like cool wash clothes and back rubs. 

God isn’t asking us to do huge things on His behalf. He doesn’t want me to save the 153 million orphans.  I am no savior.  He doesn’t need me to be a superhero.

He just wants me to love well the one right next to me.

And not just love in a way that is convenient or easy.  As much as I love my son, it was not even close to easy waking up every hour or so with a screaming child for 3 nights in a row.  It wasn’t easy then waking up the next morning to fix breakfast and get my other two off to school. It wasn’t easy literally having to leave my child moaning just to go to the bathroom.  Nothing about this week was easy or convenient. 

Choosing to love and care well will never go hand in hand with the word easy.  It will require sacrifice. It will require giving something up. It will require grace.  And most of all it will require giving more than I think I am physically able to.

So here it is guys…there are some babies, teens, neighbors, young mamas/daddies, forgotten/neglected elderly folks, etc. that need you to step up and do some loving.  We can sing all the right songs in church.  We can faithfully give our tithes every week.  We can be nice to people and occasionally even go out of our way for a little random act of kindness.  But if we aren’t getting our hands and hearts dirty, we aren’t really doing all we can do.

I am not going to stand on some podium and tell you all that I have got it all figured out and that I am doing it all right.  I mess up.  I get it wrong too. I choose me and mine far too often.  But, I am also not going to sit here at my computer and tell you that I think it is okay that most of the people I know that say they love Jesus the most are the ones that are getting their hands and hearts dirty the least.  I can’t do that.  There are too many that have too much and are doing and giving far too little.

So today I want to ask you to stop whatever it is you are doing and just close your eyes.  Who are those that are in your life right this moment that need more?  Who are those that are silently struggling without anyone to hold their hair back for a bit for them?    

Guys, just go get some cool clothes and apply them to the wounds.  Go rub some backs.  Just GO DO SOMETHING!  Choose to step in for someone when it is dark and hard and there is a lot of crying and pain…choose to be there instead of praying for God to send someone else to be there.  MAYBE YOU ARE THE ONE YOU ARE ALREADY PRAYING FOR!  

But please, please don’t choose to do nothing.  Don’t pretend like loving our family and our friends well is enough.  It is good…it is very good but it will never be enough.  There are too many that have no one…no one.  So if we only love well those that are already in our intimate circle, I am certain that in a few years there are going to be more babies without someone to comfort them, more teens running away and getting swept up into human trafficking, more marriages crumbling, and more older folks spending their lives alone in a residential living facility.  Its not going to be pretty I can say that.

You don’t have to save the world.  You don’t have to be a superhero.  You just have to choose to take a step…one little step and apply that cloth, rub that back.  It’s doing more than you could ever know.

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after the credits roll

One of the things that people remember the most about Hubby and me after meeting us is our “love story.” People ask about it all the time.  I’ll have folks come down to visit for the first time and say, “I heard about your guys’ story. Can you please tell me?”  And they don’t just want the rushed version…they want the long version.  The detailed version.  The storybook version.

And while it probably isn’t the best love story there ever was, I do think that it could be made into one of those Nicolas Spark’s type romance movies, and people would pay money to see it.

It’s filled with all the highs and lows of those “great novelas.”  There is passion, uncertainty, long distance, hand-written love letters, moments of “will they or won’t they,” surprise visits, late night conversations.  It evened climaxed with a surprise proposal that took some serious planning and arranging. 

The movie would have ended with two weddings, one in the states with my family and friends and one in Guatemala with his.  The credits would have rolled as I came in on the horse-drawn carriage. 

Yes, that really happened.

It’s got all the magic of something special. 

And it was. 

But then something happened after the credits rolled.

Real life set in. 

And like most movies, you don’t see a lot of the real life stuff in it.  You see the highs and maybe even the lows, but you don’t see much of the ordinary.

Unfortunately, in my case, my story happened mostly through long distance so it was almost like a movie in that I really only lived the highs and lows of it all.  I wasn’t in any way prepared for the ordinary in marriage.

Hubby and I had our first fight on our honeymoon. 

I cried like someone was dying.

Because here’s the thing I didn’t know and nobody ever took the time to tell me.

Marriage isn’t easy.  Its really hard and it ain’t all that pretty some days. 

I naively thought that because I did all the “right” things prior to get married that that meant my marriage was going to stand the test of time with flying colors.  We loved Jesus.  We were virgins.  We didn’t date around much.  We even saved our first sacred kisses for our weddings.  We were serving orphans for crying out loud!  Hello!  We were supposed to do this marriage thing like bosses.

Have y’all read the book Fit To be Tied by Bill Hybels?

I had to read it in my Christian Faith and Life class.  I HATED it.  I thought it was the worst book on marriage I had ever read.  How could any couple that loved Jesus and loved each other that much have so many freakin’ problems in their marriage. It couldn’t possibly be reflective of what MY marriage was going to look like someday. [Insert sneaky laugh]

I am pretty sure I could have written a very similar book and I am only almost 8 years into my marriage.

I love my husband. I love him more than I ever thought I could possibly love another human being on this earth.   I miss him when we are apart, and I truly do still get butterflies in my stomach when he unexpectedly reaches for my hand or pulls me in for a hug.  His face is the one I want to always wake up next to.

But….BUT….

I don’t always like being married to him. 

We argue.  We are too passive aggressive.  We want our own way too many times. 

I think he is annoying.

He thinks I am crazy.

It’s just not always that pretty folks.

Because I don’t care how great the love story is, the credits are always going to roll at some point.  And when they do, real life sets in.  The ordinary happens.  Sure there will still be highs and lows…moments of passion and peril.  It’s breathtaking and wonderful.

But at some point you have to accept it for what it is: Two, imperfect people, trying to CHOOSE to love each other, FIGHT for each other, and never GIVE UP on each other, while living in a very imperfect and often unkind world. 

There is no “You complete me.”  There is no jumping up on a moving Ferris wheel to declare your love.  There is no riding off into the sunset.

Its beautiful and its ugly.  It’s high and its low.  It’s incredibly unexpected and very ordinary.  It’s fun and it’s hard work. 

You will cry, and you will laugh.  You will dance, and you will sit out.  You will love it and you will even at times hate it. 

I think so many times we build up marriage and put it on an altar.  We treat it like it’s the ultimate prize.  We tell ourselves that we will never truly be alive until we have experienced it.

That’s what Hollywood tells us.  At times, that’s what our friends and family tell us.  Even our churches are many times telling us this. 

I am sorry to say it.  

But it’s not true. 

It’s a lie. 

And I am guessing that the hundreds and thousands of couples that have divorced would tell you the same. 

Marriage won’t fix your problems. It won’t stop your loneliness.  It won’t fill the gaps in your heart.  It won’t end your bitterness.

I personally think marriage is beautiful and wonderful.  I am very thankful for my husband and getting to do life with him.  But if there is one thing that I have learned it is that as great as my husband is, he is no replacement for God.

There should only be one king sitting on the throne.  And that’s Jesus.

God cares more about my heart than my circumstances. 

While I don’t think He desires any couple to be living a marriage of only fighting and anger, I also think He isn’t going to magically fix my marriage if I continue to put my husband on His throne. 

My husband never will and never can be what God already is and wants to always be for me. 

There is only one God.

So here it is…

We have to stop pushing the “happily ever after” mentality.  Enjoy your chick flicks and romance novels. I am going to.  But, that’s not the standard. 

You are not going to be happy forever just because you said “I do” or found your one true love.  Happiness is of the flesh.  Joy is of the Lord.

You will feel over the top happy at times in your marriage.  But, there is a chance you will also sometimes feel very alone and empty in your marriage too. Happiness will come and happiness will go.  You will feel the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows.

But marriage never can and never will be a good enough replacement for God. 

He wants my heart more than my happiness.  He believes in my transformation more than my comfort. 

I believe with all my heart that He does want marriages to flourish and shine.  I believe He does want our marriages to reflect His love affair with His church.  He wants to be glorified in our unions.

But not at the cost of us elevating our marriages and our spouses to the point that He (God) no longer reigns supreme in our lives.  

Until we see that, know it, and truly understand it, we will always feel like our marriages come up short.  It will never be what we wanted it to be.  It will never feel like the happily ever after we thought we deserved.  Our spouse will never live up to the hype.

Because marriage is good…very good.  But, God is and always will be infinitely better.

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