Fear

"Insecurity feeds like a starving wolf off fear of the future---not just the distant future of aging, infirmity, or death. Insecurity fears what might happen later today. Tonight. Tomorrow. Next Week. Next year. Next decade. Its constant mantra is, 'What will I do if...?' Fear of the future makes people settle for things in the present that completely defy abundant life. It also insults the grace of God that will be piled in heaps for us when hardship comes. We agonize over how we'll possibly make it, yet all the while we can glance over our shoulders and see where God has carried us. And often through worse than we're afraid of now." -Beth Moore "So Long, Insecurity"

Good stuff my friends...good stuff. I have already shared many times that fear is my constant companion...only not a very good companion. I suffer from fearing things that are absolutely absurd to tragic things that could happen but are not very likely to things that are very possible and very well could come to pass. Fear is neither a good companion nor a fun one. I never, though, had attributed fear to insecurity (even though my hubby pointed it out long ago). I always knew I struggled some with insecurity like every warm blooded woman on this planet, but I always thought fear was my bigger battle. And, for some reason, I always felt like they were two very separate things.

I just finished Beth Moore's book So Long, Insecurity...you've been a bad friend to us, and let me tell you it really rocked my world. I highly recommend it to any woman out there...even the ones who think and feel very secure. I saw so many things that I could identify in my own life as well as in the lives of my girls here. Insecurity really is a huge player in so many of my decisions, thought processes, and actions. But, where I have really seen it hard at work is in how it makes me so fearful. I realized how many times fear really paralyzed me and kept me from doing things or experiencing things that really would have blessed my life in mighty ways. One of the verses, though, that she encourages us to really just memorize and engrave on our hearts is Proverbs 31:25, "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Laughing at the days to come...seems a little unrealistic in this crazy, sad, tragic, and scary world we live in, but this Proverbs 31 woman I believe was able and is able to do this...laugh at the days to come because she knows who holds her days. She knows who is in charge. The key here, though, is that she doesn't just trust God because He is going to do exactly what she wants Him to do...or prevent her worst fear from coming to pass. She laughs and trusts because she knows Who her God is and if she has "to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, she will fear no evil, for her God is with her, His rod and staff will comfort her."

I must confess that my companion fear has been faithfully by my side even more the last few weeks as I struggle to understand what is taking so long in our adoption of our sweet boy. We started this process over 3 years ago, and it is frustrating not being able to really see an end in sight. This blog isn't really the place to go into the messy details of it all, but I will say that my faith has wavered at times. I have asked the Lord why it is taking so long and have pleaded for that little piece of paper saying that this boy of mine will be forever and always mine. I struggle with fear of the unknown and the thought that at some point someone could actually take this boy out of my arms. I tuck him at night and beg, plead, and cry out for favor...for God to open a big fat door where we are having a hard time even seeing a crack. I can tell you that I have not done any laughing at the days to come that is for sure.

But these words from Beth Moore were very timely and just what I needed. All the "what if's" were literally eating me alive. My old companion was not only stealing my joy today but was also stealing it for tomorrow too. I was settling for so much less right now instead of living in the abundance of blessing that God has given me now. I was fearing instead of trusting and pacing instead of resting. My God loves my sweet little boy even more than I do. He sees his heart and knows every need, every longing, every desire, and every part of him. He knows my precious one by name, and He knows what he needs more than I ever could. He knows where he has been and where he is going. His days past and his days to come are already known by God. I must trust. I must believe. I must lay him down.

But, I ask you dear friends to pray with us...pray for our family. Pray for the lawmakers and decision makers in this process. Pray for victory. Pray for people willing to stand up on behalf of not just my child but all of the children here in Guatemala needing homes and families. Pray that 2011 is a year of miracles...

Isn't he just the coolest kid ever? I sure think so.

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Walking in Reality

First of all, I want to say a HUGE thank you to all of you that sent me your advice after my little breakdown over homeschooling last week. I even wept as I read a couple of them because sometimes it is just good to know we aren't in this alone! It is good to know that others have walked before us and are walking beside us as we search for God's best for our families and our children.

This week was much better homeschooling wise. Honestly, I am not sure we accomplished much more than previous weeks, but at least I was able to not freak out about it all and remember that every moment we spend with our children is a "teachable moment." I tried to take advantage of it all.

In other news, I am not sure if you all are like me but I can be such a day dreamer sometimes. I guess that is why I love reading so much. It is like a little escape from reality. I get to do all kinds of things, conquer all kinds of challenges, meet all kinds of people, etc. Other times I read books that make me come face to face with reality. They challenge me, convict me, and send me straight to my knees before God. All the same though, when I am reading a book, I am in my own little world.

However, books aren't the only things that can send me day dreaming. A good long car ride can do the same, a walk with my children, or lying in a hammock. Honestly, it doesn't take much. Mostly my day dreams consist of a beautiful house, on a big piece of land, up in the snow covered mountains. I am sitting on the front porch watching my children play with their daddy in the yard drinking a nice warm cup of joe. Sounds nice right? Sometimes that same dream plays out in the country or in a nice small town. Wherever it is, though, 4 things always stay the same: a beautiful house, front porch, land, and my family. Oh and there is one more thing: tranquility. To tell you the truth, though, my life right now doesn't look that different on the outside than my day dreams. I have a beautiful house, with a front porch, on many acres of land, and there are 160 kiddos running around it all of the time. The one thing that isn't always here, though, is tranquility.

Life here is hard sometimes. There are moments that I just don't think I can stand up under it all. Even though I came here with the desire to share God's love with these kiddos, sometimes they don't really want to hear about it. In fact, sometimes they just think I am plan out of mind or annoying or too proper or too strict or too whatever other choice word they can find. I am trying to offer them everything, and they really just don't want any of it. I am blessed to say that most of the time here in my house with my girls that isn't the case. Most of the time, they think I am pretty cool or at the very least not super dorky, and we all get along just fine. However, there are some moments that they think I am much more than a dork...I may even be the enemy. I am the one messing up their plans or their desires or their privileges. I am the one nagging them all of the time. I am the one that won't leave them in peace.

Now I am not going to lie. Most of the time, when they act like that towards me, I go right into throwing myself a pity party. "Why does it have to be so hard. I sacrificed so much. I could be doing something else. Etc., etc., etc." Pretty pathetic huh?

Thankfully, though, as of late, I have been able to receive some pretty challenging words from the Lord on the subject. So, as I could feel the pity party start to come on this week after some challenging days, I was able to battle them with truth. Because let's be realistic, are those pity parties from the Lord?...I think not. The truth is it is hard. It is hard because what these kids have lived through is hard stuff. I am certain that if I just started unleashing all the pain and hurt and suffering on this blog, most of you would have to stop reading. It would be too much...the abuse, neglect, just cruelness in general that most of these kids have seen.

The second truth I realized is that I haven't really sacrificed at all. Yes, I left my family, whom I love more than words can say behind. Yes, I left the comforts of home, church, friends, fellowship, etc. But, did I really make a sacrifice or was I just doing what the Bible clearly calls all of us to do? Well over 50% of the world's population lives on less a day than we spend for one drink at Starbucks. Now, I am not saying we all need to stop buying coffee or to find the nearest charity and give every dime we have to the poor. But, what I am saying is really what sacrifice am I making? What is sacrifice anyway? Do I have a house? Check. Do I have food? Check. Do I have clothes? Check. Already I am off to a stellar start in comparison to millions.

Please don't take me as trying to sound super religious or to put you all on some sort of guilt trip. I am just trying to give you all the reality check that I had to give myself this week. What sacrifice I am really making compared to the great sacrifice Jesus made on that cross. That is sacrifice. I would even consider what thousands of Christians are doing in closed countries are doing as sacrifice. They are readily sacrificing their very lives and the lives of their families...their children, for the gospel.

Thirdly, and finally, I could be doing something else. There are a lot of "something elses" I could be doing. Tomorrow I could buy an airplane ticket, pack up my family, and go do something far more glamorous or at the very least easier. I have that choice. But, for the 160 children that I am serving here (and millions of others like them), they have no other choice. Some of them have been here long enough to know that this life here at an orphanage is a thousand times better than what they had. Some of them are still living with the hurt of what they experienced yet are longing to be back with the only family they have ever known. I would say all of them, though, would give anything to know the love of a loving family here on earth...the love of a daddy, a mama, grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, etc. My heart breaks at that thought.

So this week I chose to pull up my boot straps and not give in to Satan's desire to knock me back down. I chose to trust that God called me here for a purpose. I chose to recognize my sin and my own selfishness and repent...turn away from it. Now I am not saying that the desire to throw myself another one of those little pity parties isn't going to come around again. It very well may. But, I have to chose everyday to live in the reality of what life really is and what it really looks like for so many. I have to chose to remember truths when lies threaten to choke them out. I have to chose to stop daydreaming and to look around and see that God has blessed me more abundantly that I ever deserved. My job now is to not withhold those blessings for myself but to turn around and give them back to the people God has placed in my life. So, look up friends, and see who God is asking you to pour out your lives for. I can promise you that if we are willing, it won't be in vain.

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