Fear

"Insecurity feeds like a starving wolf off fear of the future---not just the distant future of aging, infirmity, or death. Insecurity fears what might happen later today. Tonight. Tomorrow. Next Week. Next year. Next decade. Its constant mantra is, 'What will I do if...?' Fear of the future makes people settle for things in the present that completely defy abundant life. It also insults the grace of God that will be piled in heaps for us when hardship comes. We agonize over how we'll possibly make it, yet all the while we can glance over our shoulders and see where God has carried us. And often through worse than we're afraid of now." -Beth Moore "So Long, Insecurity"

Good stuff my friends...good stuff. I have already shared many times that fear is my constant companion...only not a very good companion. I suffer from fearing things that are absolutely absurd to tragic things that could happen but are not very likely to things that are very possible and very well could come to pass. Fear is neither a good companion nor a fun one. I never, though, had attributed fear to insecurity (even though my hubby pointed it out long ago). I always knew I struggled some with insecurity like every warm blooded woman on this planet, but I always thought fear was my bigger battle. And, for some reason, I always felt like they were two very separate things.

I just finished Beth Moore's book So Long, Insecurity...you've been a bad friend to us, and let me tell you it really rocked my world. I highly recommend it to any woman out there...even the ones who think and feel very secure. I saw so many things that I could identify in my own life as well as in the lives of my girls here. Insecurity really is a huge player in so many of my decisions, thought processes, and actions. But, where I have really seen it hard at work is in how it makes me so fearful. I realized how many times fear really paralyzed me and kept me from doing things or experiencing things that really would have blessed my life in mighty ways. One of the verses, though, that she encourages us to really just memorize and engrave on our hearts is Proverbs 31:25, "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Laughing at the days to come...seems a little unrealistic in this crazy, sad, tragic, and scary world we live in, but this Proverbs 31 woman I believe was able and is able to do this...laugh at the days to come because she knows who holds her days. She knows who is in charge. The key here, though, is that she doesn't just trust God because He is going to do exactly what she wants Him to do...or prevent her worst fear from coming to pass. She laughs and trusts because she knows Who her God is and if she has "to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, she will fear no evil, for her God is with her, His rod and staff will comfort her."

I must confess that my companion fear has been faithfully by my side even more the last few weeks as I struggle to understand what is taking so long in our adoption of our sweet boy. We started this process over 3 years ago, and it is frustrating not being able to really see an end in sight. This blog isn't really the place to go into the messy details of it all, but I will say that my faith has wavered at times. I have asked the Lord why it is taking so long and have pleaded for that little piece of paper saying that this boy of mine will be forever and always mine. I struggle with fear of the unknown and the thought that at some point someone could actually take this boy out of my arms. I tuck him at night and beg, plead, and cry out for favor...for God to open a big fat door where we are having a hard time even seeing a crack. I can tell you that I have not done any laughing at the days to come that is for sure.

But these words from Beth Moore were very timely and just what I needed. All the "what if's" were literally eating me alive. My old companion was not only stealing my joy today but was also stealing it for tomorrow too. I was settling for so much less right now instead of living in the abundance of blessing that God has given me now. I was fearing instead of trusting and pacing instead of resting. My God loves my sweet little boy even more than I do. He sees his heart and knows every need, every longing, every desire, and every part of him. He knows my precious one by name, and He knows what he needs more than I ever could. He knows where he has been and where he is going. His days past and his days to come are already known by God. I must trust. I must believe. I must lay him down.

But, I ask you dear friends to pray with us...pray for our family. Pray for the lawmakers and decision makers in this process. Pray for victory. Pray for people willing to stand up on behalf of not just my child but all of the children here in Guatemala needing homes and families. Pray that 2011 is a year of miracles...

Isn't he just the coolest kid ever? I sure think so.